And as Raju said "Guys, I need to confess something ..." my head turned and my jaw dropped automatically, with a faint "Kya? What?" coming out of my mouth.

Raju had held his head low for sometime now. He didn't even bother to acknowledge my odd "Kya?".

"You crying?" Vicky said.

By that time, Lee had supposedly finished his puke. His face seemed much sobered now. He stood behind Raju, held his shoulders and asked "Whats the matter?"

"What happened?" said a surprisingly composed Shayan.

"I don't know if I will be ever able to forgive myself." Said Raju looking straight to my eyes. The look was so piercing I had remove the eye-contact before I questioned again "What the hell happened, Raju?"

By the time I asked Raju had started howling. Howling fiercely.

Vicky got up. Held Raju's shoulder and tried telling something but stopped.

Lee & Ashu were as good as statues. Didn't know how to react.

I was frantically trying to find words . but couldn't.

Me & Vicky stared at each other dumb. Shayan closed his eyes and was breathing heavily. Lee had already finished his next can of beer. And, Ashu was too, drunk I guess to even react .

"Will you talk, for God' sake?" Suddenly shouted Shayan breaking the silence and his image of a patient head.

Shayan rose gulped his peg in one shot and said "What the fuck can be more horrendous than getting screwed by your own BROTHER? Yeah!!! Man your own fucking BROTHER!!!"

He shouted the words 'brother' enough loud for it to echo & break the drowsiness that set into Ashu.

Vicku got up pushed Shayan onto his seat and said "Sshhhhhhhhh .. Please ..... Please ...... Please".

"Hhhhmmmmmmm ." gurgled out Shayan.

"Do you remember in Class 7 we went to Mumbai for a couple of months for our vacation to our Pisi's (Paternal Aunt) place." Raju said suddenly looking at me directly.

"Yes" I replied without thinking and recalling anything about his trip. He was talking about a time about 15 years ago. I frankly didn't remember anything. But, I had to answer in affirmation at that stage I did.

"Tinku" stopped Raju.

"She was my Pisi's daughter just one year younger to me and perhaps my best friend then ." said Raju as silent tears rolled his trembling cheeks.

None of us uttered a single word.

"You know guys, we waited the entire year to see each other at the end of the year. Wow!!! We had shared the best time together. I still remember the castles we made on sand . and ofcourse those paper balls we used to hit people with" Raju was smiling.

"But you never told us about her" Vicku said, as he lit up his imported cigarette.

"Never had a chance, Vix" replied Raju.

"Ya! We were on this usual year-end trip to Mumbai. And then ." fumbled Raju.

"And then .?" Lee involuntarily asked.

"Babri happened." Raju was stern. His face hardened.

"On its aftermath we got stuck in Mumbai like many families. Nowhere to move. We kept ourselves closed and hidden behind the doors." Raju stopped for a deep breathe.

"One morning I woke up to a huge sound outside our room a pistol it was. As I ran towards the door my mother caught me by my neck & pushed me onto the ground and shoved me below the bed. She hurriedly joined me there. I could clearly see the next room from where I was ."

"What happened Raju?" asked a concerned Shayan.

"I saw a few men. They were jostling with my father and uncle. I couldn't see what they were fighting for. But these men were pulling something from the hands of my father and uncle. They were fighting. Suddenly someone kicked my father in the stomach. He fell down. And that loosened my uncle's grip. These men pulled it from their hands .".

Raju looked blankly at us.

"Yes that was Tinku." tears rolled down his cheeks as he started fumbling and searching for words.

"Ahhhhhhhhh Whaaaaaaaa ." gasped Vicku as he tried to hold his shoulders. Raju pushed him off.

"I am not finished . Vix I am not yet finished".

"I saw my father and uncle wriggle in pain as these men dragged Tinku out of the house. I don't remember Tinku shout I think she was by that time senseless or maybe dead." said Raju.

We didn't dare interrupt him.

"I was itching to go out and fight those men. My mother held me tight. But I guess at that age I could over-power her and I did so. I broke off her hold and ran behind those men. They jumped onto a jeep and drove away. I didn't give up. I ran behind them. Mumbai was burning. We never stepped out of our houses after the demolition. This was my first time. But I ran. I ran and ran and . Suddenly the jeep disappeared into a corner. I ran and entered this big dark building. The jeep was parked." stopped Raju.

"I mustered all my courage and entered it. By that time I was scared. Scared to my bone. Then suddenly someone came & held me from behind and took me to a corner. I turned around to find an old fat dirty woman. She smelled foul. She looked at me with piercing eyes. Then she said 'Why are you here? Go! Just run away from this place save yourself, boy.' Then suddenly I heard a cry . no a shriek actually yes! It was Tinku. She wasn't dead. I looked at the woman as tears rolled down my eyes. She said 'Run you bloody Hindu. I can't save her. I won't save her. You will listen to more such squeals of your mothers and sisters we will do the same that you did to us. Run away - you bastard. Go!!!'. And I ran."

"Yes I ran away. Scared. Shattered."

Nobody spoke. Nobody had the courage.

"I am sorry, Raju." Shayan muttered.

I saw Lee was holding Ashu. And Ashu was crying. Nobody heard him crying though. Raju was amazingly calm.

". And my dear friends, this bloody Raja Ray came back empty handed. Without my sister. Without my best friend. Without ."

"Did she ever . ???" interrupted Vicku.

"Nahhh !!! She never came back. I could have saved her. Couldn't I?" asked Raju looking at me.

"No .... Yeahhh . errrrr . ummmmmmmmm .. You were too young then .... I mean you couldn't have fought with .... uummmmmm ." I was searching for words to come. But they didn't.

No one interrupted me. I stopped all by myself I ran out of my emotions to say anything more.

Everyone including me kept their heads low.

"We can never fight destiny. We can never fight life." I spoke to myself.

I suppose we were not even moving an inch. The air from the AC seemed colder. We just drank. As if robots. We just kept quiet and drank.

Then as I thought it was all over, Ashu said "Can you tell me was I wrong .?"

And we all looked up to him .

(... to be continued)

Shayan's elder brother, Pritom who is a lot sober and serious, is couple of years senior to us and also a friend, on and off the volley and basketball courts. He has become closer to us - since his brother left for California, and remains conspicuous by his absence in our circle, whenever his younger brother is around - its obvious they don't share slangs or drinks between them.

This is what he calls is a "Thin line in Brotherhood". Anyways - back to our episode. The evening was young, fresh and the mood had just started sinking. As Jagjit Singh sang a Ghazal in his husky voice, in the background - we felt as if the much-needed rejuvenation of our group has happened as Shayan took us over with this witty answers and stories about his blonde girlfriends in the States. We were very happily unaware of what was going to hit us in almost an hour time.

Needless to say, people were pretty high after emptying a few bottles. Discussion slowly did a U-Turn from mirth to sentimental stuff. Some of the guys started blabbering their love & friendship for Shayan, and how we all missed him for the past 2 years. Shayan, on his part was also very emotionally elated. Topics of discussion shifted like compartments of a running train - it started with Shayan's life in the States, to polka dots underwear, to the classic voices of Asha Bhonsle, to the Sourav Ganguly debate, to Salman Rushdie, to marriages, sex etc etc ...

About an hour or so - when people started mellowing down. Shayan suddenly said -

"I have to tell you guys something ...".

Somebody answered - "Ya! Its your evening, you can tell us any stuff you want ...".

"Its serious, its about me ..." - he said. We took notice.

"I am not able to sleep properly for the last few weeks - something terrible haunts me every time, I go to sleep."

Raju said - "Abe, kya dealing phek raha hai, kuch hai to bata. warna ...".

He smiled sarcastically, cleared his vocal chord and said in a very low voice - "I was raped, as a child."

The room suddenly went silent. I could hear everyone breathe - heavy breathes. The silence was so chilling - I had to break it. But, before I could say a letter - Shayan started crying ... rather loud.

I looked around. Raju sat with his head down. Vicky closed his eyes as he clasped the whisky glass enough hard to break it. Lee was aimlessly looking at the ceiling. Ashu looked back at me with an expression - that I should react first. I did.

I held Shayan by his shoulder. The delay of our reaction - had already mellowed Shayan a bit. He wasn't howling anymore.

Suddenly, Lee asked - "Who the fuck, was it ?"

"None of your damn business. It's his past & it hurts" - yelled back Ashu.

"What the fuck Ashu? Ya its his past - & thats why I need to know and you need to know." - retorted Lee.

"What happened ... tell us ..." - said Raju softly, as if taking sides with Lee.

I dont think either Vicky or me had the right confidence to speak at that time. We kept mum.

Shayan after good long 2 minutes composed himself and spoke finally." I don't remember much of it. I was perhaps too young about 6/7 years old maybe ... ". There was absolute silence in that pause. Everybody was looking at Shayan except Lee who reverted back to his original position of looking at the ceiling aimlessly.

"It was Bontuda." Bontu was Pritom, Shayan's very own elder brother.

"What the fu....". Ashu stopped Raju with a gesture of his hands.

"I ... I don't remember much of it now - neither do I want to think about it.

It was years back when he had one afternoon did something to me. I didnt realize it then until a few years back."

"He will be gone for good, that bastard .... " - shouted Lee suddenly stopping Shayan.

"Hhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ... " - a guggle came out of Vicky - there was a strange & rare anger & pain in his eyes.

Shayan restarted - "It pained a lot then. No, he didnt ever repeat that. But somehow - the vague images dont leave me. I ... I think it will haunt me to death, someday ..."

"Hhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ... " - another guggle came out of Vicky.

"And, now when he is getting married ....", paused Shayan.

"... I just can't tolerate his happiness and I have no fucking idea why am I telling you all these things. Maybe I cannot be a man enough ever ..." - said Shayan as tears rolled down his cheeks.

Next 2 to 3 minutes was pure hell. Never thought Hell was so easy to find in silence.

Vicky broke it - "Have you told this to anyone?"

"Hmmm" - Shayan shook his head.

"To Reshmi."

"Reshmi ???" questioned Raju.

"Hmmm" - Shayan shook his head.

Reshmi, I recalled was Shayan's girlfriend during his years in Scottish Church. A very petite, mediocre girl. They broke up before Shayan landed in US of A. Guess - she didnot want Shayan to leave. We never knew the exact reason though.

"What did she say ... ???" asked Raju.

"What can she ..." smiled Shayan.

"We were in love, and she was very supportive. She calmed me and said she would be always there for me ... no matter what and all that crap you know."

"Ok" replied Raju.

"I need to puke, I drank out of my limits today" said Lee looking at me.

I shook my head and pointed towards the bathroom. Lee literally ran out of the room.

I was feeling hapless, very helpless ... didn't know how to change topic or to help Shayan or to get out of that room. I wasn't speaking. No one was speaking. I guess, everyone was feeling the same ...

Until ofcourse, Raju suddenly said - "Guys, I need to confess something ..."

(... to be continued)

Yesterday was different ... the night before I had a nightmare. Nightmare of hordes of people trampling over me, while am on road shouting "HELP, HELP!!!" and my fiancée is unmindfully heading towards a Designer Shop. I woke up ........... scared.

Then I finally gathered up all my courage to face another round of shop hopping in one of the oldest and most crowded shopping arcade deceivably named as The New Market. As I entered the arena . people swarmed on me, ready to knock me off - as if I was their greatest enemy. Suddenly I started to have a feeling of kinship with all those WWF wrestlers who get thrown off the stage by a mighty opponent. My fiancée held my hands as she pushed, pulled, nudged and elbowed through the scores of people to arrive at a shoe shop. She exhaled an air of success. Well . I did not have an iota of an idea what waited for me next. The next 1-hour she meticulously searched and tried about 2 dozens of shoes to zero on in 5 of them exactly matching her foot-size and ofcourse the colours of her new salwaar/skirt. She bought me a belt a trendy one. I felt almost like a kid who is handed an ice cream, while the parents gorged on tasty delicacies.

. And if I thought that was to it I was wrong. Bloody wrong. I didn't know what was to happen in the jewelry shop. The shop was as small as a toilet of Sulabh Souchalaya. There was this one guy handling about 10 different women with 10 different choices and requirements. Till date I found my job hard. But, this guy was the Indian version of Super-Man I became more de-motivated to find am not as hard working as I thought to be. The area was humid and hot. As I painfully carried the packets from the shoe-shop and my helmet my fiancée joined the ladies group to find her jewelry. Another 90 minutes was pure unadulterated HELL.

The day finished with 5 more such expeditions. The best or the worst thing was that I had to smile, help & choose stuff for her, through the entire day. Ya . you heard me right I SMILED throughout or else . I know what it is like to tamper with her temper. I accompanied her to dump her stuff in her place. While returning . while I said "Bye ." she planted one of the most awesome kiss on my lips and thanked me for playing the role of a fiancé, coolie, bodyguard, escort and a Shopaholic with ultimate perfection. Do I have to mention suddenly in 1 second all my pains, worries, and gloominess disappeared into thin air. Ya . women know they know how to keep us happy. And they also know how to keep on taking services from us throughout our lives.

As I took the streets to return to my home I lighted a cigarette. Suddenly a writing on the ITC matchbox made me smile to myself. It said "Those who laugh on women's clothes . never bought one for them."

Shattered Hopes
Shattered Miles
Shattered Walls
Shattered Smiles

Shattered Love
Shattered Togetherness
Shattered Songs
Shattered Pertness

Shattered Lives
Shattered Win
Shattered Tears
Shattered Green

Shattered Homes
Shattered Mirth
Shattered Language
Shattered Worth

Shattered Beauty
Shattered Thoughts
Shattered Landscapes
Shattered Noughts

Shattered Dreams O Mine
Shattered, Shattered ...
In the debris of saturnine
Was Me ...

Until I incurred the Hand Of God
In a Puzzle of Fate ...
From the spacing of light-years Odd
And, I again RESUSCITATE ?

Publications
SIMI publishes several magazines in various languages, including Vivekam in Malayalam, Sedhi Madal in Tamil, Rupantar in Bengali, Iqraa in Gujarati, Tahreek in Hindi, Al Harkah in Urdu and the Shaheen Times.

(below is an excerpt from an article on rediff.com, on this subject)

If you are wondering just what SIMI is, and why it hogs headlines whenever bomb blasts occur in the country, read on:

What is SIMI?
The Student Islamic Movement of India, or SIMI, is a fundamentalist student organisation that was formed at Aligarh, Uttar Pradesh, in 1977. Mohammad Ahmadullah Siddiqi, now a professor of journalism and public relations at Western Illinois University, Macomb, USA, was its founding president.SIMI activists say they want to convert India to an Islamic land. SIMI was outlawed in 2001 under the Prevention of Terrorism Act. Thought the Act has been scrapped by the United Progressive Alliance government, the ban on SIMI holds.

Where is Siddiqi now?
In the United States.
In an exclusive interview to rediff.com in 2003, Siddiqi said he founded SIMI in 1977 as part of his mission to educate and enlighten the Muslim community. He is also a founding member and secretary general of the North American Association of Muslim Professionals and Scholars. Siddiqi said SIMI was set up to study Islam like in a study circle and to present Islam through lectures and seminars to students at colleges and schools.
Siddiqi now says he has no links with SIMI because the organisation has been hijacked by radical elements.

Who heads SIMI now?
Safdar Nagori, the secretary general of SIMI, is the present head of the organisation. When SIMI was outlawed under POTA in 2001, the Delhi police arrested Nagori from the SIMI office in the Zakir Nagar area of Delhi. Since then, he has been in jail, charged with sedition and inciting communal trouble in Uttar Pradesh. The police say the outfit is now operating underground.

Why did the government ban SIMI?
SIMI was banned following requests made by the state governments of Uttar Pradesh, Gujarat, Madhya Pradesh and Maharashtra, who said the organisation had been inciting communal violence in these states.

Was that reason enough for a ban on SIMI under the anti-terrorism law?
No. Police investigations revealed that in 2001, SIMI activists were responsible for the communal riots in Pune and Kanpur and for the bomb blast on the Sabarmati Express on Independence Day. Then, the Maharashtra police arrested nine SIMI members who attempted to bomb the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh and the Vishwa Hindu Parishad offices in Nagpur in May 2001.

In which states of India does SIMI have a presence?
Reportedly, it has strong bases and support in various universities in Uttar Pradesh, Delhi, Madhya Pradesh, Gujarat, Kerala, Maharashtra, Andhra Pradesh and Assam. SIMI is also believed to enjoy local support in cities and towns like Aligarh, Kanpur, Rampur, Moradabad, Saharanpur, Lucknow and Azamgarh in Uttar Pradesh.
It is believed that after the Gujarat riots of 2002, SIMI's ranks swelled.

Does SIMI have links with terrorist outfits?
The police say SIMI has links with the Jamaat-e-Islam and the Hizbul Mujahideen in Pakistan, Bangladesh and Nepal. They also say SIMI is connected with Pakistan's Inter-State Intelligence.
Reportedly, SIMI activists have had close links with other Pakistan-based terrorist groups such as the Lashkar-e-Tayiba and the Jaish-e-Mohammed.

Who funds the outfit?
It is believed that SIMI secures funds from the World Assembly of Muslim Youth, Riyadh, and gets financial assistance from the Kuwait-based International Islamic Federation of Students Organisations.

What do the members believe in?
SIMI members are reportedly opposed to democracy, secularism and nationalism. They advocate among its followers the need to oppose 'man-made' institutions. SIMI also attempts to mobilise support for and establish Shariat-based Islamic rule through 'Islami Inquilab.' As the organisation does not believe in a nation-State, it does not believe in the Indian Constitution or the secular order.

How many SIMI members are there in India?
The police say SIMI has some 400 ansars (full-time cadres) and 20,000 ordinary members. But after the outfit was outlawed in 2001, most of the active members are in jail. Students up to the age of 30 years are eligible to become members. SIMI cadres consider Osama bin Laden a 'true believer of Islam' and regard him as an 'Islamic hero.'


Whatever ... the details, we know SIMI is definitely a peril ahead ...

As a last stoppage - we found our way to Tanishq. As in all stores - me & my friend were greeted with a warm welcome & a cold breeze from the ACs.

... And then she came. An ordinary salesgirl, but she just extra-ordinarily caught my imagination. After, I broke up with my long standing girlfriend, a couple of years back - I had unconciously vowed to myself to refrain from chasing skirts anymore. And, for these years I have just been working, & living my life for the awesome family & friends, I have.

And there, she comes & blows me off the marbel floors. As she went on showing me diamonds - I started having problem on concentrating on the purpose of my visit. She was in a formal Tanishq wear - formally & habitually smiling & speaking to us. She was wearing a light make-up - actually she didnt need any - her voice & her soothing persona was a force enough. As time flew by - I went on with my ways of selection & rejection of the jwellery, but just couldnt leave the place. I selected 2 pieces, and she readily put it on her, for display. I was dead confused - what was more attractive? the Diamonds or Her.

Doomstime came - and we had to leave. She signed her name on a paper, for ready references of more jwellery. Many hours have ticked by, since I saw her - but she doesnt seem to leave my thoughts, as of now.

Will I ever go back to Tanishq just to see her? Is this some frickle liking? Will I ever tell her how I felt ...? Will I ...?

The questions are many, answers are none.